Sunday, January 25, 2009

Growing pains

Is mine a 'mature' faith?

Over the past year or so, I became a bit disillusioned with it: to consider it childish.

I was treating the Lord like a spiritual PA. There to help me in times of trouble, to care about my thoughts and feelings, answer my prayers, reveal truth to me, use me in his service....Me, me, me......

So, for a while I strove to see God as one more distant. To see him as unknowable, totally good and as such totally beyond me. To hesitate before uttering self-centred prayers. To wonder whether it is wise to use the word "God" so often, in such a carefree fashion. What do I know of him, anyway? How can I ever attribute motives or actions to one so removed - one so holy, if you like.

This thinking has gone deep. No doubt positive changes have occurred in me. But in keeping with the pendulum nature of my faith, it hasn't been entirely helpful.

I am afraid to say that my world does revolve around me. My views develop out of my trivial decisions and feelings. I do want God's attention, as does every small child. I do want to be the one who serves him best.

It is good to be self-aware and to remind myself that I can never own God. But it is also important to remember that Jesus, Immanuel, calls immature people to follow him. Indeed, he relies on such people to represent him. It might be helpful for them to grow up. But often (and I hate to admit to this) it is my childishness, weaknesses and misunderstandings that best display his strength and truth.

So, perhaps I shall go back to blurting out all my selfish desires to God. He knows about them anyway.

And, I guess if I'm ever mature enough not to have selfish desires, it won't occur to me to pray about them. I'll never even realise that the growing up has happened.....

Sunday, January 04, 2009

A breach in your breeches?

Well, there we go. As my great grandad used to say at 6pm every December 25th, "it's as far away as ever now." "It" being Christmas. He was a 'glass half empty' man.....but year ends do make me stop to ponder the 'rolling stone' nature of life.

As I review and expect this Epiphany, I think of the two siblings who got married in 2008. Another will do so in 2009. (Two to go - my poor old Mum may dissolve in a pool of anxiety before we're done.)

Several cousins and a best friend had babies last year.

The family is planning for a 30th, a 50th and two 60th birthday celebrations in '09. I'm sure there are other significant milestones that haven't dawned on me yet.

I have made my recurring resolutions, mainly relating to attitudes of mind and tendencies towards OCD. I may succeed this time. After all, I am 30 and if I don't nip these things in the mature blossom, it may be too late. I could be eternally neurotic.....Imagine!

Hey ho. Into the breach......