Saturday, July 07, 2012

Lost

guido-rochas-tortured-christ
Let's say things have been a bit rubbish since last I posted.

A month ago, I miscarried at 11 weeks pregnant. It was an uncomfortable and traumatic experience: painful, messy, out of control. And with only loss to show for it at the end.

Getting to the point of conception had been a struggle in itself (more of that story here if you are interested).

The lasting impression is one of colossal waste. Wasted flesh, wasted love, wasted hopes, wasted future, wasted opportunity. And also a feeling of being totally lost in my own life: what does the future hold and why does it matter? Well, I really don't know.

It's very interesting how people respond theologically. I haven't felt angry with God, or tempted to doubt him any more than normal, or that this is unjust. I feel confused about how prayer affects reality, but I have always felt that. I never believed the pregnancy was an answer to prayer - and I don't believe the miscarriage was imposed on us by God.

My big question, really, is why human beings get given life in the first place. Because I do believe this comes from God. But I wonder whether it's something I can be grateful for.

That said, there are blessings here. A new-found ability to take each day as it comes. The sense of responsibility about planning ahead has lifted. Maybe not permanently, but for this moment. The future might be good or bad and I can't control that. But I'm sure we will get through it, either way.

Secondly, other people. Be that the catholic priest who led our retreat on a holiday booked, by chance, for the week after the miscarriage. Or the local friends who have suddenly crowded round to cry for us, offer company and practical help.

What matters, ultimately, in the hard times is that the people who are by your side do not leave. They do not leave.




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