Sunday, January 25, 2009

Growing pains

Is mine a 'mature' faith?

Over the past year or so, I became a bit disillusioned with it: to consider it childish.

I was treating the Lord like a spiritual PA. There to help me in times of trouble, to care about my thoughts and feelings, answer my prayers, reveal truth to me, use me in his service....Me, me, me......

So, for a while I strove to see God as one more distant. To see him as unknowable, totally good and as such totally beyond me. To hesitate before uttering self-centred prayers. To wonder whether it is wise to use the word "God" so often, in such a carefree fashion. What do I know of him, anyway? How can I ever attribute motives or actions to one so removed - one so holy, if you like.

This thinking has gone deep. No doubt positive changes have occurred in me. But in keeping with the pendulum nature of my faith, it hasn't been entirely helpful.

I am afraid to say that my world does revolve around me. My views develop out of my trivial decisions and feelings. I do want God's attention, as does every small child. I do want to be the one who serves him best.

It is good to be self-aware and to remind myself that I can never own God. But it is also important to remember that Jesus, Immanuel, calls immature people to follow him. Indeed, he relies on such people to represent him. It might be helpful for them to grow up. But often (and I hate to admit to this) it is my childishness, weaknesses and misunderstandings that best display his strength and truth.

So, perhaps I shall go back to blurting out all my selfish desires to God. He knows about them anyway.

And, I guess if I'm ever mature enough not to have selfish desires, it won't occur to me to pray about them. I'll never even realise that the growing up has happened.....

1 comment:

Lucy D said...

Hi Anna,

I love how honest you are, both on here and with yourself. God sees that your heart and motives are (mostly) in the right place.
And the fact that you are bothered about these things is good - keep striving!

xx